Everyone has an opinion on obesity and being overweight, and as if fat people didn't hear it from themselves, they hear it from family, friends, strangers, and acquaintances. This is my take on being overweight.
Let me put this disclaimer out NOW that I KNOW that only I can change my body and can go to the gym.
Starting when I was very young, I was very quiet. I had no friends, was teased relentlessly, and home life wasn't any better. As I got older, I grew in more ways than one; My heart grew walls to protect me from the pain I felt for years, My brain grew in knowledge to not let those words get to me, and reluctantly, my body grew bigger in size.
The sad thing about the human race is that no matter how confident and happy you are with who YOU are, something that someone says can completely turn your viewpoint around. It shouldn't, but it does. For years, I remember being happy with having my few friends, and the teasing had ended (at least the brutality of it did), but my parents would say if I didn't stop eating or drinking certain things, I'd turn out to be a whale. That crucial moment in my life where I needed that support system, that LOVE, was nearly destroyed.
I relied on my best friends, and still do for that matter, to stay happy. There were so many moments in my heart and mind that I asked myself 'Why should I even be alive?'. Then I thought of the consequences, from my family to my friends. Besides, I'm terrified of hurting myself, so that definitely helped(sad humor: check.).
Even though I rely on my best friends for support, they don't truly understand. I can explain EVERYTHING that hurts my heart and makes me feel the way I do, but they aren't overweight. Quite frankly, my best friends are the most handsome and gorgeous people I know. But they won't understand. A hug might make the pain go away for a little bit, but it always stays there.
I put my heart and soul into things that make me feel beautiful. Makeup, as most of you know, I completely love. I love putting it on and applying colorful eyeshadows to make my eyes pop so it distracts someone from what's underneath my clothes. I wear slimming clothes, to give that illusion that I'm not as fat as I actually am. I cheer others up, and become that shoulder to cry on, because I don't want others ever experiencing the pain I felt.
Some of you may be wondering, WHERE DID THIS COME FROM EMMY OH MY GOSH THIS ISN'T YOU?!?! Sadly, I've hid this from most of you. I never liked being a burden or getting pity, because there's always that ONE person who says 'Get off of your butt and lose weight!'. It's ironic, because since nearly none of my friends understand how it feels to be overweight, they don't understand how HARD it is. I've tried multiple times, and I am in the process of trying again, don't you worry.
These hardships I've had on my heart have made me stronger and so much more happy, ironically. But like today, I have days when I just want to cut all the fat off of my body, and feel truly beautiful in the eyes of everyone.
My family is oddly the least supportive out of everyone I know. I'm always teased by my sister, and my weight is ALWAYS mentioned at least once a day by my mom. My dad is the only one quiet about it; and if he wasn't, I would be moving out.
Recently, I got Tinder. Not to meet anyone, but just to see who I match with(I promise!). The men in Winchester/NoVA that I matched with were very sweet, and never said anything rude to me. Meanwhile, in Hampton Roads, I've received two rude messages (so far): "Emmy. More like Shamu" and "How long does it take for you to break a chair you sit in".
It's funny, when people say 'Why don't you go to the gym' or 'Only you can change yourself', but they're the same people who make people like me cower in a corner terrified to go to the gym because of judgmental eyes. I am terrified of going to the gym because of the pure fact that people will stare. I'm terrified of eating right because of what people are probably thinking. I'm terrified of eating wrong because I'm sure the waiter/waitress will be silently saying in their head "She should have gotten a salad". I'm terrified to buy food at the store because of what other shoppers might think. I'm afraid to eat around people I don't know that well because I'm afraid I'll be judged.
I love my body because NO ONE ELSE DOES. I love me for me because most people DON'T. I love everything about myself, hoping and praying someone will see that and love me too.
I'm not saying that I'm not loved. Because I am. But most girls and guys can understand when I say I want to be loved by a SIGNIFICANT OTHER. To feel as if someone wants me romantically. My self-esteem decreases every day because I feel so ugly and unwanted by men.
Even JOBS and EMPLOYERS judge someone by how they look. When I started looking for jobs last summer, I remember my mom telling me that employers might not hire me because I'm fat. Society has tainted everyone's hearts, including mine.
I know for a fact that I can change myself and my body. I have the motivation possible for it. But it's more than that. I am terrified of losing weight because I don't want my heart to change. I don't want to become a conceded girl because I lost all of my weight. It sounds completely stupid, but I'm terrified I'll lose everyone I love because of becoming skinnier.
This post might seem stupid or totally unlike me, but I sure feel better now that people know what it's like being Emmy. I'm not that smiling girl you always see. Sure, I have real smiles, real laughs, but I definitely faked most of them throughout high school. A little in college, but I'm learning to accept myself. Everyone needs to learn to accept themselves and others, and to treat others like they would like to be treated.
Thanks for reading, if you read this long blog! I appreciate it.
As Kandee Johnson says, "Huge hugs from my heart to yours!", and as Charles and Alli Trippy say, "Toodles!"